Questions...
My daughter is eleven years old and is overweight. She is teased at school and comes home crying. She does not want me to talk to the teacher because she is afraid that the other kids will tease her more. What should I do?
 
Sandra:
You and your daughter are not alone. Every time that I talk to community groups, teasing is one of the first issues that parents raise. Teasing is a form of bullying and is one of the most frequent and difficult situations that children have to deal with today.

Instead of making this an individual problem about your daughter, you might want to find out where your daughter's school is in relation to bullying and then work with the school and with other parents to ensure that children are safe. Some schools have identified bullying as a major problem and are taking steps to counter it. Some talk about zero tolerance for bullying but don't enforce it. Some are still stuck in the age of 'sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt you.' It helps to get together with other parents and to identify bullying as a school issue and not an individual one. If you just complain to the teacher about other children teasing your daughter, you run the risk of being labeled a 'difficult' parent and your daughter runs the risk of being teased even more.

You might want to do some role-playing with your daughter. I do an exercise with girls that I call 'Stop, I don't like what you are saying.' Explain to your daughter that you will act out the role of the bully. No matter what you say, she has to say 'Stop, I don't like what you are saying.' She may have to say it over and over again. If she responds to the content of what you are saying or begins to cry, stop the exercise and then begin it again. Switch places. This time let her be the one who is bullying and you say 'Stop, I don't like what you are saying.' Bullies often stop if we don't react to the content of what they are saying. Remember to tell her that she doesn't have to say anything at school. She may not be ready to confront the bully, but may feel stronger because of taking a stand during the role-play.
 

Question:
My daughter constantly says, "I am fat!" She is an adolescent of normal weight who can't believe that I, her mom, can't see the obvious-and therefore when I respond, "no, you're not," thinks that I am lying to her.
 
Sandra:
It sounds like you have both fallen into to the "No, you're not," "Yes, I am" trap. The reason that you are so frustrated is because when girls say, "I am fat" or "I feel fat" they are not talking about the weight on their body. They are speaking in code about something else that is going on. When you respond to the code and not to what's underneath, they feel unheard, even though they, too, may not be aware of the code.

The next time that your daughter says "I am fat!" or "I feel fat!" you may want to shift the focus away from weight to what's underneath. You could say something like "You know, a lot of times when people think that they are fat or feel fat, it's not about fat but about something else. Let's see if we can be really curious and find out what it is."

Despite her protests that she is fat, continue to play detective: When did she feel fat or think that she was fat? What time of day was this? What else was she doing and thinking about other than fat? Once she can talk about what else was going on, encourage her to express her feelings. Let her know that other people feel the same way. Share a similar incident if you can. Then problem-solve if you need to. If you don't know what's underneath, remember that this process takes time. Even the act of playing 'fat detective' can break the cycle and open up communication between you.
 

Question:
I am seventeen years old. How can I get past feeling fat so that I can feel comfortable being a sexual person?
 
Sandra:
Usually when we feel fat, it's really a warning sign or code that something else is bothering us. It sounds like you might have some conflicted feelings around being sexual or about having sex.

Sexuality is a part of who we are. You don't need to be having sex in order to be a sexual person. Often girls and young women don't want to have sex but think that they should because all their friends are doing so and they want to be the same as them. It's hard not to feel pressured by the media and feel that you are not normal if you are not having sex (or don't want to have sex). Sometimes girls have sex in order to feel loved. This can backfire if the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do. Sometimes girls don't want to have sex because they are not ready or because they are not really comfortable with the boy, but are afraid to say no because they don't want to hurt his feelings. Even if you want to have sex it's still normal to feel anxious. I don't know anyone who feels confident in new situations. We are afraid that we won't know what to do or will do it wrong or don't have the right to change our minds.

Ask yourself how you really feel about having sex. Do you want to or is it because you feel you 'should?' If so, where is the pressure coming from? If there is a boy in your life how comfortable do you feel with him? What are the things that draw you to him? What are the things that make you pull away? Will you still be friends if you say no? Regardless of what decision you make, remember that we learn something of value from everything that we do.
 

Question:
My thirteen year old daughter is overweight. How do I approach the issue of body image and self-confidence? Should I help her lose weight?
 
Sandra:
It's hard to be a fat girl in our society. Often the low self-esteem that girls have doesn't have very much to do with fat but with the shame that they feel as a result of the prejudice towards them.

You can help your daughter by accepting her the way that she is. You might want to acknowledge how hard it is to be fat when all your friends are thin. Encourage her to talk about what it's like to be fat. Try to validate her feelings without trying to fix her. Notice that I use the word 'fat' instead of 'overweight.' This is because the more we use the word fat as a description rather than a value judgment, the more we neutralize it and lessen its stigma.

I would not encourage you to help your daughter lose weight in order to fit in. This tells her that she is not o.k. the way that she is. It also sets her up for a lifetime of weight loss and weight gain which will do more to make her feel badly about herself than being fat. It's also more unhealthy than being fat. Try to avoid telling her 'It's what's inside that counts.' I know that it's a phrase that people use a lot but I often wonder how come we never use it on thin girls. What that phrase does is reinforce the myth that you can't be beautiful and fat.

Help your daughter be fat with dignity. Let her know that she is beautiful. Take out family pictures and discuss who she looks like. Having a context for your body shape helps you accept it. Encourage her to use her body, not to lose weight, but to feel flexible and strong. Decrease the power of appearance by talking about girls and women in terms other than how they look. Everyday, give her specific feedback about her skills, qualities and talents. Finally, look at your own attitudes. We are the product of the same culture as our girls. We experience the same pressures to be thin. If you are dieting or if you talk about feeling fat, share your struggle with her. Perhaps the two of you can make a pact to empower each other. You can begin by putting a quarter in a jar every time you say something negative about yourselves.
 

Question:
I am facilitating a Just For Girls group for grade seven girls. I love doing the group, learning about the girls and watching them grow. The only problem that I have is that I begin to feel anxious if someone starts to cry. I feel that I don't have the counseling skills to handle the situation, and I am afraid that I will do the wrong thing and make things worse. What should I do?
 
Sandra:
It is not uncommon that someone will begin to cry in a group. Girls talk about issues that concern them and sometimes this brings up feelings of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and grief. Because we often feel uncomfortable with our own feelings it's difficult to not feel uncomfortable with theirs. Feelings are natural. We don't have to make the situation better or fix the girl. Sometimes when girls cry, we have a tendency to hug them. Even though we think that we are comforting them we tend to do this more out of our need than theirs. It's important to not hug girls because that takes the focus away from whatever the girl is feeling. Also, some girls are not comfortable being touched.

If someone begins to cry, pass the box of tissues to her. You might want to say something to her such as "This must be very painful" or "This must have been very hurtful. Hurtful and painful things often happen and it's good to get the feelings out." Take the focus off her then, and allow her the privacy and dignity of her feelings. If you know why she is crying you might also want to say to her "I can see that is very important to you. Perhaps it is something we can talk about during the break or after the session." Remember that your role is to listen, validate, share similar experiences if you can and refer if you need to. You don't have to fix everything.
 

Question:

I am a seventeen year old girl and I still get so emotional, and cry. My boyfriend can be so insensitive sometimes, and just act like he doesn't care. It really upsets me when he behaves like this, it makes me feel unimportant and worthless, I try to tell him he needs to be more caring and affectionate but he just laughs and says he is, and says I overreact to everything and that I am just a big baby. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him. I just want to know what I should do to make things better. And I would also be very interested in knowing why girls cry so much and so easily as compared to guys.
 
Sandra:
Sounds like you and your boyfriend are having a huge gender difference. Women can express their emotions in words easier than men can. The emotional side of the female brain is more integrated with the verbal side so what women feel is transmitted more effectively to the verbal side of their brain. Men keep their emotions on the right side of their brain, while the power to express their feelings in speech lies on the left. It is more difficult for them to express their emotions because the information is flowing less easily to the verbal (left) side of their brain.

Women deal with issues by talking about them but men try to fix things. What might be happening is that every time you cry you want your boyfriend to empathize. On the other hand, he wants to fix things and when he can’t he gets frustrated and calls you a big baby. I would suggest that you talk about the gender differences and then tell him what to do when you cry. At first it may seem awkward, but after time it will be real. If he still tells you that you are a big baby and over-react, you might want to consider why you are with someone who puts you down. Love shouldn’t mean feeling badly about yourself.
 
Question:
My daughter is ten years old. On the day when she has physical education she usually complains that she has a stomach ache and doesn’t want to go to school. She says that she is not good enough and that the boys in the class tease the girls and don’t pass the ball to them. I want her to be physically active, but I don’t want to force her. What should I do?
 
Sandra:

Unfortunately your daughter’s experience is not uncommon. According to Myra and David Sadker, authors of Failing at Fairness: How Our Schools Cheat Girls, boys receive most of the attention in the classroom. When this happens in physical education class girls often fail to learn the motor skills necessary for them to participate in and enjoy physical activity and sport. When they don’t learn to perform basic bodily movements confidently or develop skills such as throwing catching, hitting and kicking, they begin to undervalue and underestimate their own capacity and potential for competency in physical activity. They feel that they are not good enough and then stop participating.  

Girls will participate in physical education if it is fun. To them fun is associated with having more strength and energy, with feeling good and with socializing with their friends. It is the balance between skill and challenge—something that should be applied to teaching all subjects not just physical education. 

I suggest you talk to other parents. Most likely their daughters are having similar experiences. Together you can speak to the teacher. Ask her to provide a lot of practice time for skill development and improvement in girl-only groups. This way girls don’t feel embarrassed when they make a mistake. She might want to use small groups such as pairs, groups of three, two against two—and keep mixing them around. This gives everybody fair chances and increases their opportunity to practice. It also ensures participants are active, rather than waiting for a turn and makes it a lot safer for girls to learn. It also helps to pair girls with their friends because they can provide each other with support. Modifying the equipment and the rules to suit the size and skill level of the girls will help them experience more success and therefore fun and will increase their participation.  

Whatever you do, don’t give up. Physical activity is an important part of girls’ lives and your daughter is entitled to the same opportunities as the boys.

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