Becoming a Detective

When I was ten years old my favourite aunt introduced me to Nancy Drew, the fictional character created by Carolyn Keene. Nancy Drew was talented. She could swim like an Olympian and nurse like Florence Nightingale. She could pick locks, solve puzzles, stare down crooks, and change a tire on her blue roadster. She was firm, brave, sensible, gracious and independent. Nancy played a big part in my life-long addiction to detective and mystery novels. She also contributed to my interest and work in empowering girls and women and became part of my professional counselling framework by encouraging me to become a good detective — curious and constantly on the look-out for clues to people’s behaviour. I try to pass this philosophy on to my clients. I believe that if you want to change behaviour you first need to know what you are doing and how you are doing it. You have to be curious and look for clues in the most non-judgemental way possible.

Theoretical Framework

In the 30 years that I have been working as a therapist and educator, my work has also been informed by Carol Gilligan and Jean Baker Miller’s theories of female development, the ongoing research on brain sex by people like Anne Moir and David Jessel, and the emergence of a contemporary understanding of male development by Michael Gurian and William Pollock.

Carol Gilligan describes the relational nature of female development and the concept of loss of voice. Along with Lyn Mikel Brown she articulates and documents the process by which girls lose their voice in adolescence (their ability to know and say what they think and feel) and examines the resulting breakdown of connections with others, the erosion of self and an increase in powerlessness. According to Gilligan and Brown, as girls lose their voice they lose their ability to know what is real and instead present a mask of a pleasing ‘nice’ persona that is reinforced by taking care of others instead of themselves. Girls are socialized to internalize distress. They feel fat, ugly and worthless and encode these feelings and turn them against themselves. As they lose touch with their self they increasingly look outward for definition — at the same time that society puts an astronomical amount of pressure on them to be a certain “cookie cutter” person when that person doesn’t even exist.

Michael Gurian and William Pollock describe how boys march to a different drummer than girls because of their different brain structure and developmental process. Boys are socialized to shut down all the feelings that are labeled female and to express only those that are considered male — such as anger. Boys can also lose their voice and develop a mask of bravado which is created and reinforced by rigid ideals of male culture. Boys are socialized to externalize their distress. They repress their feelings and hit out, blaming others for their situations. They hide their feelings of powerlessness in bravado.

Eating Disorder Treatment

I started off as a therapist/counsellor treating girls and women with eating disorders and body image and weight issues. During the past ten years I have also worked with men and boys. I believe that while eating disorders occur because of a complex combination of factors, for many girls (and an increasing number of boys) food and disordered eating behaviors develop as a coping mechanism. The disorders (and body image disturbance) become a way for them to deal with loss of self and subsequent powerlessness in the face of emotional conflict, unresolved personal issues, inability to recognize, articulate and express painful, scary or ‘inappropriate’ feelings and relieve tension and anxiety. As a therapist I work with girls, women and boys to help them reclaim their voice so that they can develop and maintain a strong sense of self, reconnect with others, and decrease their sense of powerless and alienation. As they reclaim their voice and regain their self, they can let go of the eating disorders and behaviours.

Shifting to Prevention

In 1992 I shifted part of my professional focus to prevention. Using the same philosophy that underlines my practice as a therapist, I developed Just for Girls — a group discussion program for girls. Along with addressing body image concerns and incorporating the standard activities for prevention that are used today, the program taught girls to decode the ‘language of fat’ and express the feelings that were underneath. They were encouraged to tell the real stories of their experiences instead of artificially-constructed ones that reinforce the mask of ‘niceness’, and the repression of anger and need. In 2007 I developed the Just for Boys program to help boys develop resilience and learn skills and strategies to deal with the stressors and health and psychological risks of adolescence.

Today the Just for Girls and Just for Boys programs retain their validity and value. Just as the incidence of eating disorders has increased and the age of onset has decreased, there are so many more manifestations today of the same underlying issues. Girls experience powerlessness, loss of voice and erosion of self before they even reach adolescence. Their natural bodies are assaulted by the war on obesity. Binge drinking is prevalent in high school as is disconnected sexuality and sexualization. Continuous cell phone use and texting create a steady babble of conversation without connection. Cyber bullying reduces any form of human interaction. Girls grow up in a cacophony of sound and stimulation which reinforces disconnection from the self and from others. Despite research, studies and ever more prevalent technology, girls are still seeking their self. Like girls, the stressors are increasing for boys and they, too, are seeking the authentic expression of their self.

Prevention must go beyond addressing problems like eating disorders and body image disturbances and smoking and alcohol and drug use in isolation—because they are all manifestations of similar underlying issues. Prevention must be structured as a core process that addresses female and male development respectively, and examines the impact of society on the loss of voice and self. Add-ons can address the specifics of a particular issue but the core remains the same. While there are many good prevention programs there is no one program that offers the magic solution. Practicing prevention is like making soup. You may start with certain basics and perhaps with someone else’s recipe, but as you gain experience you add and subtract ingredients until you satisfy your own taste. In my work in prevention I help girls and boys reclaim their voice so that they can develop and maintain a strong sense of self, reconnect with others and decrease their sense of powerless and alienation. I encourage curiousity, teach them skills and help them develop resilience as they move on through life.

The War on Fat

When I began my work as a therapist I co-facilitated a workshop program for women called Facing Your Fat. Time and again my partner and I were asked, “How can you use the word fat?” I was asked this again when my book When Girls Feel Fat was published.

Fat has become a dirty word. Calling someone fat is on the same par as telling them they are stupid or disgusting or ugly or worthless. Few problems in childhood have as significant an impact on emotional well-being as being fat. Kids who are fat are at high risk of low self-esteem, depression, teasing, social isolation and eating disorders.

Despite a multitude of research studies to the contrary we still believe (as a society) that being fat is bad and unhealthy and that we actually can control our body weight. We believe that because we cause our own fatness we should be responsible for making ourselves and our children less fat. Yet studies show that our metabolism and our genes have more influence on our weight than anything we may do. And every day research produces more clues as to what makes people fat. Studies also show that fat people who are well fed and fit are at lower risk for health problems than thin people who eat poorly and are sedentary.

When the definition of good health is tied to weight-loss it inspires fat hatred and increases the psychological stress of being fat. It reinforces size as a measure of self-worth and is guaranteed to fail. While you can lose weight on any contrived plan to restrict calories or food groups, between 80% and 95% of this weight is regained—and more. Because not only do the pounds come home…they also bring friends.

Health at Every Size

Given what we know about how metabolism and genes work it makes good sense to shift our focus to making people healthy at whatever size they are. Instead of continuously asking what we need to do to help fat people lose weight, we need to put our energy into helping people of all shapes and sizes be healthy. This means having a positive body image and developing an active lifestyle, better eating habits (such as more fruits and vegetables), and life skills for coping effectively with stress. It means eating to satisfy hunger and to provide sufficient energy and nutrients for strength, stamina and enjoyment. In a society where most people are sedentary and where there is a proliferation of processed food, achieving health is no easy task. But it is a sensible place to start and the rewards are tremendous.